


Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning

by BearBear8



Series: Roman needs more love [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Brotherly Love, Bruising, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Crying, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Platonic Cuddling, Roman needs a hug, Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Remus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 06:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20943758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BearBear8/pseuds/BearBear8
Summary: Remus and Deceit have a chat with Roman when he awakes the second time, but what happens when it gets heated? And will they be able to save Roman from himself?(Aka 6000+ words of Roman angst)





	Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, IAMSOSORRYIMJUSTUPDATINGTHISNOWIHOPEITWASWORTHTYEWAITIMSORYYYYYY,,,;-;
> 
> Second of all, I’m back! Surprise! *throws glitter in the air* so,,,yeah this took f o r e v e r to write because I kept getting stuck and ughhh, it probably sucks tbh but \\_(•-•)_/
> 
> Uhhh warnings for this part is probably heavy references to past suicide attempts/self harm. And blood. Oh and panic/anxiety attacks too I guess? If that’s not you’re cup o tea, then maybe stay away from this story guys!! Stay safe! <3

When Roman awoke the second time, the first thing he noticed was how _warm_ he was.

Because _holy fuck, why is he so warm? _Cracking his eyes open, he comes face to face with someone’s chest. Glancing his eyes up, he quietly gasps, realizing, and surprised, that it’s his brothers chest he’s snuggled up against.

Slighting craning his neck to look behind him, he’s even more surprised when he sees Deceit snuggled up behind him.

  
_ Well, _he muses,_ I guess that explains why I’m so warm and content._

  
Peaking even further, he notices how it’s light outside again, the early morning rays of sun shining through his window.

  
Relaxing ever so slightly, he takes a moment to really think. And try and figure out exactly why he’s in the middle of a dark side cuddle puddle. That is, until he remembers. And _oh fuck. That wasn’t a dream._

  
If Roman could, he would facepalm. Because how could he be so dumb?! No one was supposed to fucking save him! He didn’t want to be saved! And now he’s stuck between his brother and Deceit. On the bright side, it was honestly kind of..._nice._

  
It made him feel safe and protected, in a way he hasn’t felt in God knows knows how long. He wasn’t going to question it too much right now though. He was too content to do much about it.

  
Too content being held close by his brother, something neither of them had done since their childhood. Of course, back then, it was mostly Roman holding Remus close, whispering to him it would be okay until he finally fell asleep again. But, there was the rare occasion where those roles would switch, and it would be Remus whispering words of encouragement into his ear, holding him close until his tears dried, and until he drifted off to the sound of Remus’ lullaby.

  
And having Deceit here too? Well, it was too good to argue about. Closing his eyes, he let out a content sigh. Wanting to soak as much of this in as he could, since he didn’t know how long he’d be allowed to. Figuring once his brother and Deceit woke up, it would be back to normal.

  
Back to being lonely, back to overworking himself, back to his shitty life.

  
Not realizing his breathing had picked up slightly, he was surprised when he heard Deceit whisper into his ear. “Breathe, Roman. It’s alright. You’re alright.”

  
Shifting around till he was facing Deceit, Roman opened his mouth to talk to Deceit, but he was cut off by his brother sitting up and talking to him. “RoRo, what are you doing upppppp! It’s early!,” Remus whined, rubbing his eyes. “You were supposed stay asleep! And cuddle with me and DeeDee more!” Remus flopped onto his twins legs, sighing dramatically.

  
Roman rolled his eyes fondly at his brother, sitting up in bed before continuing with his sentence. “First off, you’re a dork Ree. Second off, why exactly were you guys cuddling me..?”

Deceit and Remus both looked at each other in concern, before looking back at Roman.

Sitting up, Remus reached out his hand, placing it on Roman’s shoulder, noticing the slight flinch when he does so. “Ro....do you, do you not remember what...happened last night?” Roman cocked his head, confused because no? He does remember?? That’s not why he’s confused? He’s confused about why they would want to _willingly_ be around him, let alone _cuddle_ with him. Why would anyone want to comfort him like that?? Didn’t they all hate him? Didn’t even sweet sweet Patton hate him? Virgil? Logan? Deceit? Hell, didn’t his own brother? Who in their right mind would want to comfort _him,_ and be around _him,_ and who wou-

“That’s quite enough, Ro.” Deceit tells him, in a firm but caring tone. Roman froze, not realizing he had said all of that out loud. God, was he embarrassed.

  
“Ro...we don’t, we don’t think that..” Remus said, a pang of sadness in his voice.

Roman looked away from them both, feeling ashamed and anxious. “...I’m, I’m sorry, guys..” Roman sniffled, trying to ignore the tears collecting in his eyes. “I didn’t mean anything by it...I just, I just don’t know why you’d wanna comfort me..”

Roman tried really, really hard to hold back his sobs. But he couldn’t. All he could think about was he messed up! _He messed up. They were comforting him but now they’re gonna leave, they’re gonna leave and it’s all your fault, you worthless piece of shit. Why didn’t you cut deeper, why didn’t you do better, why why why wh-_

“Oh Ro,” Remus sighs, before facing his brother and opening his arms for a hug. “C’mon bro bro, you need this hug.” Roman blinked at him, his sobbing stopping momentarily. “Welllllllll? Are you just gonna leave me here Ro?” That was all the coaxing it took, before Roman was diving into his twins chest, openly sobbing once more.

Remus just shushed him, running one hand through his hair, and using the other to rub calming circles on his back. “It’ll be okay, Ro. Shhhhh I’m here, you’ll be okay.”

Remus continued to whisper soothing words to his brother, until he felt his sobs subside till they were nothing more than sniffles. “Feeling better, Ro?” He asked.

  
Roman nodded his head yes. “Yeah, Ree,” Roman started, voice nothing more than a whisper. “Thank you..”

Remus smiled at him. “of course, bro bro! Anything for you.”

  
Roman smiled back, relaxing more into his brothers comforting hold. Closing his eyes, he started drifting off again, until he heard Deceit clear his throat. Opening his eyes again, he looked towards Deceit, to see what he wanted.

“I do hate to interrupt this mini cuddle puddle, but Roman, we really need discuss the elephant in the room, and figure out where to go from here.”

Roman grimaced, not wanting to ever have to talk about it. But still knowing he’d have to. He’d have to talk about it enough to _at least_ get them off his back, to assure their fears that _no, he’d never do it again, _and_ yes, he’ll “get help”._ And whatever else they needed to hear to put their fears to rest.

That’s just what he does. He’s supposed to be their fearless prince, not afraid of anything, let alone a silly little talk. He’s supposed to protect them, not hurt them, not worry them. He’s supposed to be better.

But he’s not, _he’s not._ He’s not great, he’s not good, hell, he’s not even _okay._ He’s not the fearless prince they deserve.

Maybe he never was.

  
He doesn’t want to talk. He never thought he’d be alive long enough to talk about it. But he doesn’t have a choice now, not with Deceit and Remus both here. You can’t lie to the literal embodiment of lies.

  
Sighing, Roman looked at Deceit and Remus, opening his mouth to speak. But not before noticing the concern hidden in Deceit’s eyes, and the concern shown openly in his brothers. “Yeah...yeah, alright. I guess we can...talk about it..”

  
Deceit let out a breath of relief, glad Roman was willing to talk. “Thank you Roman. I believe talking about this will help.” Roman looked uncertain, but nodded his head yes anyway. “Yeah, I’m... sure you’re right, Dee..”

Deceit clasped his hands together, before standing up out of Roman’s bed. “Alright well, I do believe it’s time to get up and have this talk.” Snapping his fingers, he, Remus, and Roman were all in their day clothes now.

Roman looked down at his prince outfit. Grimacing, he reached a slightly shaking hand out, grasping at his sash. His mind started racing, breath picking up a small amount, before he ripped the sash off, snapping his fingers to change himself into a more casual look.

Still panting, he looked towards the concerned faces of his brother and friend. “S-sorry guys. The sash it just- it just reminded me and I couldn’t look at it anymore and it just brought me back and I know, I know it’s stupid and I’ll do better and I’m sor-“

“Ro! You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Remus started. “DeeDee shoulda realized ya not ready for ya fancy smancy clothes yet! It’s okay bro bro, promise.”

“My apologies, Roman. It didn’t occur to me that it would be triggering for you to be in your prince outfit again so soon.” Looking him in the eyes, he gulped, before replying. “It’s...it’s okay, Dee. You didn’t know. I shouldn’t even be this sensitive about it. I should just suck it up.”

Remus gasped, scooting over to his brother, he grabbed his shoulders and made him look him in the eyes. “Bro bro!! Don’t say that! You’re allowed to BE sensitive! No one expects you to be a hundred percent after what happened!” Remus lightly shook his brother, to emphasize his point. “It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be depressed and anxious, lord knows Virgil feels that way a lot. Everyone does. It’s okay to feel these things and it’s okay to be sensitive. Especially with what you’ve gone through. Hell, it’s okay to be angry too! It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel to get better!”

Roman was touched. Touched that his brother would say something like that. But before he could thank him, Deceit spoke up instead. “Remus is quite right Roman,” Deceit started, before he sat next to Roman again. “It’s alright to feel whatever you need to feel during the healing process. It’s okay to feel nothing at all too.”

Roman sniffed, extremely touched by what his brother and Deceit were saying. Before he grabbed them both in for a group hug. “Thanks you guys, it means a lot. A lot a lot. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you guys.”

  
Remus and Deceit both smiled at each other. Before replying. “No problemo bro bro! Anytime! I’m always here for you!”

“Yes, I second what Remus said. I’m always here for you too, Roman.”

They spent a few moments longer in their group hug, before Roman pulled back. “Yeah well, you guys wanted to talk, correct?” Deceit nodded. “Yes that would be ideal. So we can figure out where to go from here. But first, we should probably change your bandages. So they don’t get infected.”

  
Roman grimaced. He had almost forgotten about that part. Oh well, Deceit was right. Getting cuts infected was...no fun to say the least. “Yeah, okay. Can we go to the bathroom for that though?” Deceit and Remus shared a look with each other. Roman just raised an eyebrow. “Well? Can we go or??”

“Ro...maybe we should move this to the couch instead?” Remus suggested, eyeing his brother with a look of concern again.

Roman was confused. Why couldn’t they go to the bathroom? Wouldn’t it make more sense? Why would they be trying to change his mind? Why would- oh. _Oh._

_That’s right. The bathroom is where he tried to..well. You know...._

_Well,_ he mused, _guess that’s why they don’t want me in the bathroom just yet._

“Oh. Yeah, we can, we can go to the living room instead.”

  
Deceit and Remus both looked relieved. “Wonderful,” Deceit said. Before snapping his fingers and bringing them all to the couch.

Remus and Roman both let out a little ‘oof’ at the sudden movement. “Deeeeee!” Remus whined. “You coulda given me a warning first!”

“Yeah! I agree with Ree! A warning would be great next time, Deceit.” Roman grumbled. Crossing his arms.

  
Deceit rolled his eyes at the dorks sitting on the couch, before snapping his fingers and conjuring a first aid kit once more. Opening it up, he quickly located rubbing alcohol, more bandages, gauze, and antiseptic cream.

  
Turning towards Roman, he smiled apologetically at him. “I’m sorry Ro, but this might sting a bit. Can you take your shirt off, please?”

  
Roman froze, not knowing how to answer that. On one hand, he knew it would be easier for Deceit to change his bandages without his shirt on, but on the other, he really, _really_ didn’t want them to see him without a shirt on. He just- he just _didn’t._

  
“You okay, bro bro?” Roman jumped, not realizing he had gotten lost in his mind. “O-oh Yeah, I’m, yeah I-I’m okay Ree.” Remus tilted his head, squinting at his brother. “Hmm are you sure? You don’t seem okay.”

Remus thought back to when he had to carry his brother to bed. He was light, way too light. Way too light for Remus’ comfort. He knew something was up, and that his brother was hiding something, he just didn’t know what.

Roman opened his mouth to speak, but Deceit interrupted him before he could. “I have to agree with Remus, Ro. You do not seem okay. I apologize if me asking you to take your shirt off makes you uncomfortable.” Roman shook his head, looking back and forth between his brother and Deceit. “N-no it’s...it’s okay, really. It’s just, I don’t- I don’t want you guys to...to f-find me weak o-or be disappointed or s-something if I take my shirt off..” Roman said, voice nothing more than a whisper.

Remus and Deceit both looked at each other in concern once more. “Ro....” Deceit slowly began. “Why would we, why would we be disappointed? We’d never find you weak, either.” Roman looked at his lap, not wanting to look at Deceit any longer.

Remus frowned, placing his hand on his twins shoulder, before speaking. “C’mon, Ro. I promise you, none of us will be disappointed or find you weak. Not me, not DeeDee over there. And none of the other sides will either.” Remus pulled his brother in for a half sided hug, knowing he needs the comfort at the moment.

Roman just soaked in the comfort his brother was offering. Grasping at his twins shirt for dear life. Remus just shushed him, humming a lullaby from their childhood.

  
They both waited till Roman was more calm before trying to speak to him again. Surprisingly, Roman was the one to break the silence. Untangling himself from his brother, he sniffled and wiped his face. “...I’m sorry..don’t be mad..” Roman squeaked out, voice barely above a whisper. Before he gently took his shirt off.

  
Remus and Deceit both gasped, not expecting the sight in front of them. Roman’s chest and torso were covered in bruises. Ranging from yellows and greens, to deep reds, purples and blues. They were also both disheartened to notice that Roman’s ribs were easily visible now that his shirt wasn’t on. “Oh, Roman...” Remus’ voice was full of concern. He knew his brother was hurting, but he didn’t know he was hurting that bad. Roman flinched and bowed his head, ashamed of his actions.

_Here it comes, _he thought,_ they’re finally going to leave me._

Roman waited silently for it to be over, for them to shy away in disgust. To finally leave him and his problems. When that didn’t happen, he took a quick glance up, surprised by what he saw.

Deceit and Remus had both moved to be in front of him, Remus was kneeling, one of his hands resting comfortably on his knee, and the other held one of his bandaged hands, rubbing soothing circles on his knuckles. While deceit stood slightly off to the side, seeming to be quickly looking for something in the first aid kit. “Ro, are you okay?” Roman blinked, and looked at his brother, before answering. “Yeah...but I don’t- why are you both still here?”

Deceit stopped what he was doing, and turned back around to face him once more. “Roman, where else would we be?” He asked, placing one if his hands on top of Roman’s. “You need someone, and frankly, I don’t trust you to be left alone right now. And, seeing as none of the other sides know about this yet, me and Remus are the only ones available for the job. So I’ll ask you again, where else would we be?”

Roman looked between the both of them, before lowering his head again. “I..I dunno. Didn’t think you’d wanna stay.” He mumbled, chewing on his lower lip.

Remus gently grabbed his brothers face, making him look him in the eyes. “Well, bro bro, we obviously do wanna stay. Or else we wouldn’t be here ya dork!”

Roman gently removed his hands from their grasps, twiddling with his fingers. “I...I guess that makes sense..”

“Of course it does!” Remus beamed. “I know you might not believe it yet bro bro, but you will, one day. I promise! If we didn’t wanna be here, we wouldn’t.”

Deceit nodded his head, agreeing with Remus. “Remus is correct, Roman. If we didn’t want to be here, we simply wouldn’t be. You may not believe it yet, but we all care for you deeply. The others included.” Roman lightly blushed, thinking about the others, about sweet sweet Patton caring for him, about nerdy but still sweet Logan caring for him, about anxious but kind Virgil caring for him. He wasn’t sure if they truly did, but it was nice to imagine they did.

Deceit cleared his throat. Snapping Roman out of his thoughts. “Well, I do believe it’s time to change your bandages, Roman. And, if I may, look at your chest as well?” Roman nodded his head, not wanting to cause anymore trouble. “Uh, yeah. Sure why not.”

Deceit hummed, pleased with his answer. “Alright, as I said before, this may sting a bit.” He warned Roman. Before beginning to unwrap his bandages.

Roman paled slightly, seeing the damage he’s done to himself for the first time. Both of his arms looked red and inflamed, the shallower cuts had just started to scab over, while the deeper ones were still red and raw. Not to mention the multitude of stitches that lined the inner sides of his wrists. Roman lightly shuddered, because _fuck_ his arms were a _mess._

“This will sting, Roman.” Deceit warned, before pouring rubbing alcohol on a wash cloth, and dabbing at the cuts on Roman’s arms gently.

Roman hissed at the unpleasant burning the alcohol brought. Remus seemed to notice, and thus grabbed his hand that wasn’t currently being worked on by Deceit. Before shushing him gently. “Shh Ro, it’ll be okay. Just squeeze my hand if you need to, my dearest _little_ brother.”

At hearing his brothers last words, Roman blushed a furious shade of red, spluttering a bit till he found his words again. “L-little!? We’re the same age! You doofus! We’re twins!” Remus just laughed at him, wiping the tears that formed from laughing too hard. “Yeah Yeah, Maybe we are twins, but that still means one of us has to be older! And, at this moment, I’m _clearly_ the older one!” Roman just huffed, and tried to cross his arms. Before he remembered _oh yeah, Deceit is working on my arms._

“Roman, do hold still please.” Deceit asked, having to restart bandaging his left arm. “Oh sorry Dee! Of course.” It took Roman a minute, but eventually he realized that Remus teasing him, had actually taken his mind off the pain from Deceit cleaning his injuries.

Looking back at his brother, he cracked a small smile, silently mouthing the words ‘thank you’. Remus returned the smile, mouthing back ‘anytime, _little_ brother’, and then winked at him.

Roman rolled his eyes at his brother, but continued to sit still for Deceit. Before he knew it, both of his arms had been bandaged, and all that was left to attend to was his chest. “Alright, Roman. Does it hurt to breath or anything?” Deceit asked, gently pressing on Roman’s chest.

Roman sucked in a breath, before replying. “N-no. But you touching right there does.” Deceit looked apologetic, before going back to the first aid kit to grab something. “Well, Roman. There’s not much I can do about these bruises,” Deceit gestured to Roman’s chest and torso. “Besides applying some soothing cream, and bandaging them so your clothes don’t get messy.” Roman nodded, knowing there wasn’t much to do about bruises anyway, besides letting them heal on their own time.

Humming, Deceit turned back to Roman after grabbing what he needed. Scooting closer so he could apply the cream, he frowned when he noticed even more scars that lined Roman’s chest and torso. Putting it out of his mind for the time being, he quickly finished applying the cream and then bandages. He snapped his fingers and the trash and first aid kit were both gone.

“Alright Ro, I’m all done.” Deceit said, while while cleaning his hands with a wet wipe. “Thank you, Dee. That...feels much better.” Roman then snapped his fingers, instantly changing himself into a red long sleeved tee.

Laying back, Roman tried to relax as much as possible, knowing that his brother and Deceit would want to talk to him now that his bandages were changed. Closing his eyes, he sighs when he feels the couch dip when Deceit and Remus sit down next to him. “So, I guess you want to talk now, huh?” Remus And Deceit just nod.

  
“Alright alright, go ahead, ask whatever questions you want to ask. I know you probably have a lot.” Roman mumbled, throwing his arm over his face to block out the light.

Deceit and Remus looked at each other, deciding who should get the ball rolling and ask the first question. Eventually, they decided on Deceit. “So, Roman. Shall we start with some basic questions?” They both heard Roman grunt, and took it as a ‘yes’.

“Well, okay. When did you first start feeling inadequate?” Roman laughed at Deceits question, before opening his eyes and looking at him. “When did Thomas start high school?” He mumbled, picking at his sleeve. Deceit cocked his head, before answering Roman. “Uhm, about sixteen years ago?” Roman slouched back down, looking away before mumbling a response. “Well, then, I’d say sixteen years ago? Give or take a few days of course.”

  
“Wha- ROMAN! You mean to tell me you’ve been feeling this way for over a decade!?” Deceit half screamed, voice raising in pitch the longer he talked. Roman just shrugged his shoulders. “Well I mean, yeah I guess?” Roman was going to leave it at that, until he saw the unasked question in Deceit’s eyes. Sighing, he continued. “It was never important before, and it just never came up, Dee. Calm down, I’m _fine._”

  
“Fine!? FINE!? Is this what you call FINE Roman!?” Deceit angrily pulled up Roman’s shirt, revealing the old scars, and fresh bandages he had just redone. “I mean, Jesus! You almost _died_ Roman! How is that fine??” Roman pulled down his shirt, starting to get angry himself. “Well, Maybe I say it’s fine because it is! Or it would’ve been if you two would’ve just let me die!” Roman stood up, angry at Deceit and Remus but mostly angry at himself. “That’s all you had to do! Just stay out of it for once! But no! You couldn’t do that could you? Could you!?”

At this point, Roman had started crying. Not because he was sad, but because he was _pissed._ Big fat tears made their way down his cheeks, falling down onto his clenched fists. Taking deep breaths, he looked at the floor, before speaking. “It would have been fine. God, everything would’ve been _perfect._” Remus chose this moment to stand up as well. Turning to face his brother. “Roman! How? it wouldn’t have been perfect! What makes you think that!?” Roman looked up, tears dripping off his face. “_Because!_ I wouldn’t have been there! That’s how it would’ve b-been perfect!....it would’ve been _perfect._” Roman hated how his voice cracked on the last word. And okay, _maybe he was sad._

“Ro, I don’t honestly know how you could even think that, and I’m literally the embodiment of intrusive thoughts. It’s not true, I swear to you, it wouldn’t be anywhere _near_ perfect if you weren’t here. I promise. It would be shit if you weren’t here.” Remus reached out, grabbing his brothers hand. “Remus is quite right Roman, you are a vital part of Thomas, and a vital part of our, as Patton would say, our fam-ily. So please don’t think otherwise.”

Sniffling, Roman just nodded, collapsing back into the couch. The fight leaving him just as quick as it had come. “Okay...” he whispered. “You can..you can finish asking your questions, now.” Deceit nodded, summoning a tissue for Roman, and he took it with a small ‘thank you’. “Yes well, my next question is, when did you, you know....start the whol-“ Remus cut him off, scream talking over him. “I believe what DeeDee is trying to say! Is when did you start the whole cutty cutty bloody bloody thing? Blood is more my thing, bro bro! Although red does fit you quite well, perha-“

“OKAY! That’s quite enough Remus!” Deceit covered Remus’ mouth with his hand, effectively cutting him off. “Anyway, as I was- EW! Remus! Don’t _lick_ me! That’s gross!” Deceit wiped his hand off on his pants, while Remus just stood there, smirking at Deceit.

“That’s not what you said last week, DeeDee.” Remus said, in a sing song tone of voice, smirking as he noticed the blush on Deceit’s face. “In fact-“ Roman cut his brother off, a shocked screech leaving his mouth, before he quietly began to speak once more. “I...think I get the gists of what you were trying to say. I, it depends, I guess?” Remus and Deceit both nodded their heads seriously, the joking manner gone from their words and posture. Deceit waved his hand, signaling for Roman to continue. “Well it’s...complicated? It depends on which self injury tactic you’re speaking of.” Roman quickly explained.

  
“Well, I guess it started with probably... the food thing? I uhm, when Thomas was younger, his looks mattered to him a lot more, therefore they mattered to me a lot more, too. Being his ego and everything.” Biting his lip, he took a minute to collect himself and his thoughts. “And...well, I guess the bruising was next? It wasn’t on purpose, at first. Just, whenever I got hurt I would just relish in the pain for a tiny bit.” He twiddled with his fingers, trying to find the right words. “But well, I guess it wasn’t enough? So I just...starting doing it on purpose?”

“Wait, so you mean to tell me all those times that you, “fell down the stairs” in our childhood was just you hurting yourself!?” Remus asked, voice raising in pitch at the end. Roman looked ashamed, before replying. “W-well uh, yeah? I guess so...”

When the silence lingered too long, Deceit gently asks Roman a question. “Roman, you still have yet to tell us about how you, ah, discovered cutting?” Roman groaned, hoping to avoid that one. “Well, alright I guess.”

  
“Thomas was probably hmmmm, 18? 19?Somewhere along that age. It was a very stressful time for me, and my other...methods hadn’t been working. So I...I searched for other ways. And it, well, came up with cutting. So there you go, now you know.”

“Yes, but, Roman. You never answered how old you were? When you started?” Remus asked. “O-oh well. I guess...I- we were fourteen or fifteen when the food thing started, around sixteen when the bruising started, and ah, eighteen or so? For- for the cutting?”

  
Roman heard his brother and Deceit sharply inhale, before they were talking to him once more. “Roman, you mean to tell me you’ve been injuring yourself for over a decade?” Deceit asked, his words firm but caring. “I mean..y-yeah I guess so?”

Deceit sighed. He knew Roman had to have been hurting himself for a while, but over a decade? He had _no_ idea how absolutely bad it was. No matter, they would just have to try their best to help Roman. He would get better, he would, he _had to._ Neither Deceit nor Remus wanted to think about what would happen if Roman didn’t get better.

“Yes well, thank you for telling us all of that, Roman,” Deceit began, adjusting his gloves absentmindedly “However, I do have one more question. Then we’ll be done.” Roman nodded, deciding to just go with what Deceit said.

  
“Okay well, what caused you to...” Deceit paused, trying to find the right words “Attempt to end your life this time, if it’s been going on for so long?”

  
Roman sighed, he figured they’d ask this question, but that doesn’t mean he’d _want_ to answer it. “Do I..have to a-answer that?” Deceit and Remus shared a look, before Remus sat down next to his brother once more. “Sorry bud, but yeah, you kinda do have to answer it. Cause yknow, you almost like, succeeded in ending your own life this time so..”

“...fine, I guess I’ll tell you guys..” Remus and Deceit were relived that Roman was going to talk to them. Sitting down, they patiently waited for Roman to start talking.

  
“Well...I guess it just got to be too much, yknow?” He started, shrugging his shoulders. “One thing led to the next, and it just spiraled from there. Shit kept piling up and up and up, my ideas were all crappy...and...you guys all kept yelling at me! Or ignoring me! And it just got to be too much, and I knew you wouldn’t miss me anyway. I figured you all hated me. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning, yknow?” Roman finished, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his arms on them. “So yeah...now you know w-why I did it.”

Remus and Deceit both paled, both of them turning towards Roman when they heard him begin to cry again. “Hey hey hey, shh Ro it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” Remus reached out, inviting Roman for a hug once more, and Roman gladly accepted the gesture, curling into his brothers chest. Exhausted from everything.

“We don’t hate you, we could never hate you! You’re my brother, my twin, my second half! I know I didn’t do a good job of showing it but I-“ Remus paused, contemplating if he really wanted to say what he was planning to say. He wasn’t going to, until he saw the scars lining his twins arm from where his shirt sleeve rode up. Sighing, he continued. “I...love you Roman. I love you. You’re my baby brother, I always have. And I’m so, so sorry if I ever made you think otherwise. I always assumed you just...knew.” He brushed his fingers through Roman’s hair, feeling him relax into his chest. “I’m sorry that you had been getting yelled at, we can talk to the other sides about that later. For now though, you need rest.”

  
“Wha...no I..I don’t need s’leep Ree. I’m awake.” Roman slurred, trying to push himself up. Remus and Deceit just raised their eyebrows at him, before Deceit conjured Roman a blanket, throwing it on top of him.

“Yeah, no bro. Your eyes are literally closed. And you’re slurring your words. Just sleep, we’ll talk more later.” Remus gently repositioned them, so that they were both laying down, with Roman on top of him curled into his chest. “Mhmmm fine, night Ree, night Dee....love you.” Roman both heard them echo back a ‘we love you too’. Deceit then laid down next to the brothers, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder.

  
They waited a few minutes till they were sure Roman was asleep, before they risked talking again. “Well that could’ve gone better.” Deceit stated. “Mhmm yeah, but it coulda gone worse!” Remus exclaimed, carful to keep his voice low, as to not wake up his twin.

“That’s true. But still, I wish it had gone better,” Deceit mumbled. “We still need to figure out where to go from here, Ree. Your brother needs help. He needs the rest of our family, but I’m not sure how to tell them.”

Remus frowned, shaking his head sadly. “Yeah, I know. He needs help Dee, and I just don’t know if he’ll take it.”

Deceit scoffed. “Yeah, that too. The knuckle head is the worst I’ve ever seen at taking help.”

Remus hummed in agreement, resting his chin on his brothers head gently. “Yeah, that’s true.” Remus closed his eyes, soaking in the presence of his twin, and realizing what he almost lost.

If he learned anything from this, it was that he _never_ wanted to see Roman laying in a pool of his own blood, bleeding out on his bathroom floor ever again. Because honestly? That _terrified_ him. It scarred him shitless. With the adrenaline from everything wearing off, he finally had a chance to realize how absolutely terrified he was when he saw his twin laying limp on the floor in a pool of his own blood, bleeding from his slit wrists.

No matter, what’s done is done. He’d just have to do better, so that Roman wouldn’t have a reason to do that. They all would. They would do better for Roman, they had to. _They had to._

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he felt Deceit gently elbow him, “you’re thinking too loud, Ree. I can hear you thinking from over here,” he then pulled out a penny from seemingly nowhere, sitting up slightly, he handed it to Remus. “Penny for your thoughts?” He smirked at him when he heard Remus snort.

“First of all, you’re a nerd. Second of all, I’m intrusive thoughts, what do you expect?” Remus shrugs. “It involves a lot of thinking after all.” 

  
Deceit leaned back, mulling over his words. “Well yeah, but those didn’t look like good thoughts.” Remus just let out a wry smile, adjusting Roman when he moved slightly in his sleep.

“That’s part of the job description, DeeDee. Most of them aren’t good thoughts.” Deceit grimaced, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Would you like to talk about it, Remus?”

Remus sighed, looking towards Deceit. “I just, I dunno, this whole ‘my brother tried to kill himself last night’ thing has just finally caught up with me I guess?” Deceit hummed, nodding his head for Remus to continue. “It’s just, I thought he was happy! I thought he was okay. I never even saw the signs if there was any, which I’m sure there was!” Remus exclaimed. He then took a deep breath, lowering his voice so he didn’t wake his brother up. “Ugh! I just, if anyone should’ve noticed, it should’ve been me! I’m not only his twin, but I’m intrusive thoughts! That’s what I represent! I should’ve noticed what was going on with my brother. _I should have fucking noticed._”

Deceit sighed sadly, wiping away the tears that were slowly beginning to run down Remus’ cheeks. “Ree, you cant blame yourself for this. It’s no ones fault. Roman was good at hiding it, that’s all. I’m literally the representation of lies, and even _I _didn’t notice. We’ll just have to do better. He’ll get better too, I promise. Okay?”

Remus sniffled, but nodded his head anyway, “Yeah, okay, he’ll get better..” Remus didn’t seem completely convinced, but Deceit didn’t bring it up.

“Yes, yes he will. Now, why don’t we all take a nice little nap hmmm? We could all use the rest.” Remus mulled over Deceit’s words, before nodding. “Okay, but only if you put a movie on!”

Deceit rolled his eyes fondly at Remus’ actions, before asking him what movie he wants. “Uhhhh lilo and stitch!” It was his and Roman’s favorite movie as a kid, and he still loved it.

“Mhm good choice, Ree.” Deceit quickly located the requested movie, placing it in the DVD player and hitting play. He then sat down once more, and conjured himself and Remus a blanket each, and one more for Roman.

Settling down, Deceit leaned on Remus’ shoulder again, reaching over to grasp his hand, and give it a comforting squeeze.

They both watched the movie in silence, with the occasional snore from Roman. Eventually, Remus eyes drifted shut too, and he an Roman were both fast asleep by the time Hawaiian rollercoaster ride came on.

Deceit, lasting the longest of all of them, took one last look at Remus and Roman, noticing the protective grip that Remus was holding Roman in, and the way Roman looked so much younger, curled up and covered in blankets, with his curls covering his face.

_He looks so relaxed,_ Deceit mused. He wished Roman always looked so relaxed and calm. He wished they had done _better._ Deceit sighed, realizing now wasn’t the time to be dwelling on the past.

  
Allowing his eyes to slip shut as well, he drifted off, knowing it wasn’t fixed, it was far from it, but it was a start. And he knew, that no matter what, they would fix it. They would all do better, he would talk with the other sides and do better. They had to.

  
_ He didn’t want to think about what would happen if they didn’t._

**Author's Note:**

> Whoooo boi, just, ouchies xD 
> 
> I’m sorry my poor baby Roman I promise it’ll get better for him soon ;-; 
> 
> So uh, I’m sorry if this totally sucks?? But I wanted to finally post it for y’all?? So ya *throws fic at yall* enjoy! 
> 
> Comments are nice so like,,,ye. But just reading it is nice too! 
> 
> Hope y’all enjoyed! Stay safe! Bye guys! <3
> 
> (Ps. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense or there’s typos— I’m too lazy to proof read it any longer— Just uhhh, pretend it’s better than it is? Okay b y e—)


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